Source: Intergalactic Times
Title: Kermit Dies of the Swine Flu
By: Mission Control and the AP
Date: 9/12/09
Mission Control and Associated Presses –
Kermit, formerly of the Muppets, was found dead in an industrial area on the west side of New York City earlier this week. Kermit's body was taken to Mount Sinai Hospital where doctors determined Pandemic Influenza (H1N1) 09 swine flu to be the cause of death. A hospital spokesman stated that the blood tests were conclusive and that Mount Sinai immediately contacted the World Health Organization to report the outbreak.
Mission Control website
Dead frog positively identified as Kermit
The World Health Organization instantly mobilized their forces and commanded FEMA to invade New York City and round up all Muppets for quarantine, especially Miss Piggy, the suspected carrier of the deadly man-made flu.
Despite swift action on the part of FEMA, Miss Piggy has eluded capture. WHO has demanded a global search for the famous diva, authorizing use of satellite surveillance, GPS and all electronic means available to locate her. An insider at the UN admitted that WHO officials secretly feared she was smart enough to dump her cell phone and not use her credit cards.
Miss Piggy: Suspected by WHO and sought by FEMA
As FEMA surrounded Sesame Street, New Yorkers gathered by the thousands, jeering their every move. Crys of “Ged ouda here, ya bums!” were punctuated by the occasional plaintive cry of a captured Muppet, “Hello everybodeeeeeeeee! It is I, Grover!” and Bert's lament, “I don't get it. It's not fair. It's just not fair!” Finally, the most heart-wrenching of all, Oscar the Grouch screaming, “I don't want to go... Ow! Ow! Ow!”
Many New Yorkers broke down in tears as they witnessed the horror. However, their grief soon gave way to relief and wild cheering as word spread that Miss Piggy had escaped capture. Unsolicited comments from the crowd included: “Cowabunga”, and “Nah, they'll never find her. They couldn't find Bin Laden, could they?” and “Not to worry. She knows how to blend.”
Sadly, many Muppets were captured and are being transported to the Superdome in New Orleans for no apparent reason and despite the outcry of the New Orleans Saints and the NFL.
UN officials expressed some concern that they might have to leave New York City after receiving 84 threats of an undisclosed nature and 3 demands to pay all overdue parking tickets “or else” within 45 minutes of the Muppet incident, according to statistics compiled by Count von Count, a Muppet captured in the Sesame Street raid and now sequestered at the UN where he is being forced to count incoming threats. Fortunately, the Count loves to count.
Critics of the UN action were quick to claim that the WHO had sinister hidden motives for their puppet abduction. They pointed out that fear of contagion could not be the true reason the Muppets were herded to the Superdome if Count von Count was instead remanded to the UN for indentured servitude. The UN defended its actions saying, “It was an acceptable risk. We are too busy packing to answer the phone.”
The ACLU was asked to represent the Muppets, but declined because the case was not trivial enough by their standards. A prestigious New England attorney, Daniel Webster, has agreed to take the case pro bono and is confident of a victory, having previously faced this same opponent and won. Webster has already taken an affidavit from The Cookie Monster stating that against the advice of all the Muppets, Kermit was the only Muppet to voluntarily submit to the swine flu vaccine.
The World Health Organization adamantly denied the truth of The Cookie Monster's sworn affidavit, claiming Elmo also received the vaccine. The Monster bitterly retorted, “Elmo not got shot. Cookie Monster thief, not liar.” Webster clarified to the press that Elmo conceded to promoting the vaccine under threat, duress, and coercion surrounding renewal of his contract, but declined vaccination, shedding light on a possible cause for the incident on Sesame Street.
Webster formally stated to the press, “There is something among men more capable of shaking despotic power than lightning, whirlwind, or earthquake; that is, the threatened indignation of the whole civilized world.”
Many were baffled by Webster's statement. As one passerby on the street expressed, “I don't know what that guy's trying to say, but all I know is New York is way pissed. You should get on the internet. Everyone's pissed. Even France is pissed. No American puppet is safe anymore. No puppet anywhere is safe anymore.”
Turkey, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Goldman Sachs and the Sierra Club, among other international investors in “The Great American Experiment” have voiced concern over the New York City incident. The consensus appears to be; if it is true that American puppets are no longer safe, what will become of their assets? The U.S. House of Representatives, the Senate, as well as their Executive Branch holdings and much of the Federal Judiciary could be reduced to toxic investments overnight, leading international interests with no other option than to seek a bailout from the American public.
This is a developing story, so please stay tuned for updates.
The article is reproduced in accordance with Section 107 of title 17 of the Copyright Law of the United States relating to fair-use and is for the purposes of criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research.
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